Breakfast Dirigible Wardrobe

Sun Is Burning

2007-02-17T20:05:00.000Z

I first heard this song about 25 years ago and it still gives me goosebumps, the late Luke Kelly is the finest singer to come out of Ireland. If I could sing I'd want to sing like him.

The Flowers Of Manchester

2007-02-06T02:32:00.000Z

Classic Albums-Are You experienced

2006-12-05T06:39:00.000Z

1965 was known as year zero for rock music, 1967 had the summer of love and 1969 will forever be known as the last year of the sixties, whilst 1970 is etched onto the annals of history as the year of the power drill. 1966 went by unnoticed by many, but for hardcore fans it was known as the year of The Jimi Hendrix Experience.

The Jimi Hendrix Experience, of course were:
Jenny Agutter.....Lead guitar, smellotron, vocals
Gail Porter.....Bass guitar, vocals, large book
Kaiser Wilhelm II....Percussion, vocals, Electric razor

They took the music scene by storm in the summer of '66 with their stunning debut album Are You Experienced. Yet they all had such diverse backgrounds and only by a bizarre twist of fate did they meet and record the album.

The failure of the Verdun offensive in 1916 sent The Kaiser into a spiral of depression, so much so that he left the running of the war to his son, Kronprinz Wilhelm, whilst The Kaiser discovered an appreciation of blues music.

His favourite artists were Muddy Waters and John Lee Hooker, his ambition was to go to America to "get back to his blues roots." His plans all went tits-up in 1917 when Kronprinz Wilhelm ordered unrestricted naval warfare against all shipping in the north Atlantic, which culminated in President Woodrow Wilson declaring war upon Germany. The Kaiser had is bags packed and was ready to sail to America for his dream holiday touring the Mississippi delta and beyond where he had planned to jam with local musicians in places like Cleveland, Memphis and Jackson. He even had become penpals with Blind Lemon Jefferson. He was barred from entering America, which sent him into chronic depression, it was around this time he penned his first song, generally accepted as a truly great blues classic 'My Son Is A Complete And Utter Fuckwit' went in straight at number 1 in the Geman charts upon release. It also fared well in the German colonies it made the top ten in Deutsch-Ostafrika, and number 18 in Deutsch-Südwestafrika.

Things were looking up in early 1918 when The Kaiser managed to persuade Bessie Smith, Big Bill Broonzy, Victoria Spivey and Big Joe Turner all to do a show for German troops on the western front, the shows were well recieved, but unfortunately shortly afterwards Kronprinz Wilhelm launched his spring offensive and all goodwill was lost, especially after Bessie Smith was hit by shrapnel whilst performing in Passchendaele.

It soon became clear that the spring offensive was the last throw of the dice for the German Imperial Army, this became a great source of material for The Kaiser to write blues songs about, his favourites being Wang Dang Doodle, Hohenzollern Blues, Kleiner Roter Hahn, and Whiskey Headed Woman.

The war finally came to a halt in november 1918 and the Kaiser was forced to abdicate his throne, he had to hastily leave Germany leaving his record collection behind. He fled for Holland, the only possessions he took were his harmonica and pickelhaube, luckily Dutch laws on public nudity were pretty liberal even back then. He spent the next 60-odd years of his life living as a virtual recluse at Doorn Castle. He discovered a new passion in his life-hunting, especially for spiders, he had about 15 cats specially bred for hunting them and the castle was adorned with thousands of spiders nailed to the walls as testament to his hunting prowess.

The Porter family emigrated to Kenya in 1947, they were sick and tired of post-war British austerity, so they bought an amusement park called Futureland for 8 million quid. I was situated about 150 miles north-west of the coastal town Mombasa. Futureland was indeed a magical place, it was a full scale creation of what victorian London might've looked from the imagination of the Catuvellauni chieftain Caratacus in the year 40 AD. The builders presumed that Caratacus imagined victorian London exactly as it turned out to be. So Futureland was an exact replica of victorian London in every detail. They even built several hundred thousand robots, dressed them in victorian clothing then placed them in the city after programming them to go about their lives as an average victorian person would. There is only one remaining photograph of Futureland:

The Porters piled hundreds of thousands of pounds of their remaining cash into a massive advertising drive to get people to come to futureland, they printed six million posters and planned to release them by air over all the major cities of the world by air. The poster featured a picture of Caratacus and a snappy advertising slogan underneath.

They chartered six large planes, each containing a million posters each, and on the 5th of november 1949 they all took off simultaneously on their super-wide runway that they'd built especially for the occasion. The planes were heading for London,Nairobi,New York,Berlin,Paris and Nuku'alofa. The entire family all watched in awe as all the planes took off, all in line. Unfortunately they had spent most of their money printing the posters and had only enough aviation fuel for take-off, no sooner had all six planes gotten in the air the engines cut out and crashed in the distance killing all six pilots and all the posters were destroyed. This was the ruin of the Porter family, all the planes had simultaneously crashed into the house, they had no money left and they couldn't afford the upkeep of Futureland. The head of the household, Jean-Luc-Picard Porter decided that the only option for the family was to try to get jobs at the famous Kenyan hotel, The Treetops hotel. Jean-Luc-Picard Porter,his wife Eclectic-Mage Porter and daughter Gail all made their way to the hotel and enquired about the possibility of future employment. Unfortunately there is an obscure Kenyan by-law which expressly forbids families of three all applying for jobs at the same time. Jean-Luc-Picard Porter and Eclectic-Mage Porter were arrested on the spot and jailed for 20 years each. Gail being the youngest, only 12, was let off with a caution and was kicked out of the hotel after being banned for life from The Treetops hotel and all treehouses the world over. This led to a hotel receptionist uttering the now legendary phrase: " She went up a demure Scottish lass, and came down a demented lunatic psycho-bitch"

That evening she met up with Dizzy Gillespie, Lucille Ball and Jaques Tati and formed the armed resistance group known as The Mau Mau. The main aim of The Mau Mau was to repeal Kenyas archaic laws on families of three applying for jobs. They planned to achieve this by killing as many celebrities as possible by kidnapping them, then releasing them into Futureland then hunting them down in "The Mau Mau Celebrity Safari Of Death."

Caratacus' victorian London became a killing ground for many celebrities during the 1950s, they were forced into a skimpy loincloth, smeared with pork fat then given a half hour head start before the hunt began. With about 30 yelping hounds Porter, Gillespie, Ball and Tati would then begin the hunt. Porters favoured method of capture was to ride on a two-wheeled chariot, spear the victim in the leg, then finish them off by sitting on their face until asphyxiated. Gillespie had a specially adapted trumpet which fired poison darts everytime he blew it. Lucille Ball tended to mingle amongst the robots pretending to be a 'slattern' when the unsuspecting celebrity passed her she sprayed an anaesthetic spray in their face, they'd come around, and they'd be told to enact the entire movie 'Ensign Pulver' word perfect or be shot. Jaques Tati travelled around in a horse drawn hansom cab, upon seeing his victim he would alert the robot driver by banging against the ceiling with his cane, he would then jump out and snare his victim by shooting a net from out of the cane. The victim would then be tied to a post and subjected to his mime routine, which always resulted in death for the watcher.

This reign of terror lasted right up until 1965, they'd managed to capture and kill many celebrities including:
Dean Martin
Pat Boone
Charlton Heston
Bo Diddley
Abbott and Costello
Elizabeth Taylor
Jean-Paul Sartre
President Gamal Abdel Nasser of Egypt
Bryan Brown
Joni Mitchell

The only person known to survive Porters celebrity safari of death is Walter Matthau, who of course starred in 'Ensign Pulver'

It was in the spring of 1965 that President Jomo Kenyatta decided to enter into negotiations with The Mau Mau, Porter had captured Friends actors Courteney Cox,Jennifer Aniston, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer, Kenyatta had recieved through the post the severed legs of all six actors and each had a spear through it. Friends was his favourite sitcom and he was devastated. After three months of hard negotiations Gail Porter agreed to disband The Mau Mau and hand over Dizzy Gillespie and Jaques Tati for trial in exchange for the repeal of the family of three jobsearch laws. Porter had to agree to exile from Kenya, and her mother and father had to finish their jail sentences. Lucille Ball was killed tragically a month before negotiations between Porter and Kenyatta ended, she was murdered in Futureland by a robot Jack The Ripper. Gillespie was found guilty at his trial and was sentenced to a prime-time slot on Kenyan national TV. Jaques Tati never spoke a word during his entire trial, and was subsequently found not guilty as kenyan law specifically states that all trials must have the full cooperation of the defendant.

Jenny Agutter had a strange childhood, despite being born in Mongomery, Alabama she had a posh English accent. Despite several trips to psychologists and hypnotherapists nobody could ever get to the bottom of why she spoke like she did. This led to her alienation from the rest of her classmates during her school years. She was regularly pelted with smoked salmon sandwiches, scones, full English breakfast, English policeman helmets and effigies of Isambard Kingdom Brunel by her fellow classmates.

After a while of this, she became a lot more circumscribed and retreated into her own world. She spent hour upon hour in her own bedroom locked in her own world. Then one morning she had a eureka moment, she ran down the stairs of the house and blurted out to her father Blitzkrieg-Marie that she wanted to express herself by the power of smell. As luck would have it Jennys mother Sturmbannführer-Paxo stole a church organ the morning before and was planning to sell it to raise cash for her dream expedition to The Andes to search for the secret of brain memory tea. Jenny begged her mother for it, but Sturmbannführer-Paxo Agutter was a stubborn woman, she wanted to go on her dream expedition and nothing was going to stop her. She told Jenny that if she wanted the organ she would have to pay the asking price, 85,000 dollars. The very next morning Jenny was reading the local paper, The Montgomery Buddhist, when she saw an appeal from The Church Of Historical Battle Re-enactors, who had their church organ stolen and were desparate to get it back, the reward money was 85,000 dollars. Jenny rang the local police and told them that her father had it, the police were at the house within the hour, they retrieved the organ and Jenny recieved the reward money later that day. With the money Jenny paid for Sturmbannführer-Paxo to go on a 2 year brain memory tea discovery tour of South America. Blitzkreig-Marie pleaded guilty to the theft of the organ, despite the fact that he didn't do it, he was forever masturbating over going to prison and this was a dream come true for him, although he had to jump over the witness stand and attack the judge to get his prison sentence as he only got community service for stealing the organ. Jenny was also happy, she now had the house to herself and she stole back the church organ later that week.

She set about converting the organ from one that emits sound to one that emits smells, she travelled all around the county collecting smell samples for the organ. Once the organ was ready she asked her teachers if she could do a recital at the school. After being told to fuck off on numerous occasions, Jennys head teacher finally relented and told her she could do a recital at the end of term dance. All excited, she had hundreds of posters printed, she also named the organ the "smellotron"

The night of the dance was to be the night she finally gets the acceptance she craved from her school colleagues. She wrote a piece especially for the evening, a twenty five minute number called Smells Of Agutter. The piece would express the whole gamut of smells emanating from her, therefore bringing a sense of affinity and understanding from her classmates.

She was nervous on the night of her recital, and it helped matters none when she took to the stage she was pelted with black pudding, morris dancer outfits, the crown jewels and Wimpy burgers. She bravely walked up to announce 'Smells Of Agutter' to howls of laughter and derision, she was hit on the head by a Buckingham Palace in a snowstorm. She sat at her keyboard and cranked up the smellotron, it hissed and clattered as it warmed up. She then tentatively went into 'Smells Of Agutter', the smellotron chugged and panted and wheezed as the pipes emitted Agutter aroma into the audience. First they got a strong whiff of her hair, the chatter and laughing stopped, then they got the smell of her glistening lips, everyone gasped with delight. Then came the bouquet of her underwear after one days wear, which was definitely more fragrant than malodourous, this caused a dangerous surge towards the front of the stage as the students, both male and female, became more and more delirious. Jenny could now tell that she had won the audience, her hair flayed against her sweaty face, her body careened violently from side to side as she pummeled the keyboard. The smellotron gasped and heaved more smells into the atmosphere, sweaty anus, perfumed nipple, legs smeared in butter, breast milk, and pleasant but not overpowering fart. The auditorium was by now awash with tearful screaming adolescents shrieking for Jenny and were removing their underwear and throwing them onstage. Then came the finale of the piece, the smellotron clanked and grinded, then the pipes puffed out the final smell-soiled Agutter panties. It was too much for the watching masses to take, many tried to storm the stage, but were beaten back by baton wielding prefects, in the distance the silent evening hush was broken by the desperate breaking voice screams of adolescent youth.

Jenny had to be escorted from the building, she was ecstatic, she managed to make it to the top hotel in Montgomery, The Desalination Plant View, where she decided to hide out for the night. Her ecstasy didn't last long, there was a knock on her hotel door, it was the police, in an obscure Alabamanian by-law it was illegal to use a smellotron in public, in AD 59 in ancient Britain, Queen Boudicca of The Iceni imagined what a smellotron might be like, and the thought of somebody using one in her dream imaginary US state Alabama greatly offended her, so she declared it illegal to use one, on penalty of five years imprisonment. The trial was a foregone conclusion, despite protests from her army of fans she was sentenced to 5 years inside Helmet Penitentiary.

It was 1966,the place was London, The Kaiser had been chased out of Holland by The Spider rights Front, Gail Porter was getting used to exile from Kenya and Jenny Agutter had just been released from prison, having been parachuted into Britain by the Alabama national guard and told not to come back again.

The three of them all happened to be at the hover bank to draw some money out, unluckily for all three, the bank manager decided to disable the banks hover mode that day to save energy. Just as The Kaiser was approaching the desk the front door crashed open. It was Rear Admiral Sir Siegfried Lectern, and he had a gun. He was insanely jealous of Brian Epstein and he wanted to manage a hugely sucessful band. He singled out Porter, Agutter and The Kaiser and he marched them at gunpoint to his floating recording studio. The studio was located 1000 feet above Hyde Park and was kept afloat by the four jet packs attached to each wall. Once inside the studio The Admiral ordered them to make the greatest album of all time-or be shot.

Despite never having met each other they managed to record what is generally regarded as the greatest album of all time. The track listing is as follows:

* The Austro-Hungarians Were Shite
A blues number penned by The Kaiser lamenting the lack of a decent ally in WW1

* Flowers Of Kenya
An obituary for all the celebrities killed by The Mau Mau. During the instrumenal passage Porter slams her large book shut six times, with the low hum of The Kaisers razor in the background.

* Smells Of Alabama
An uptempo number where Agutter releases smells into the studio while Porter slams shut the large book and the low hum of the razor is in the background.

* Plastic Sheets
The trauma of bedwetting portrayed on the smellotron.The Kaiser & Porter quietly sing 'ssssssssssssssss.......' as a backing vocal.

* Dream Holiday Fuck Up
The razor is set on high for this one as The Kaiser imagines giving his son a shit haircut.

* Cheeks Of Gillespie
An erotic fantasy by Porter, who had a thing for Dizzy Gillespies arse.

* Seventh Orb From The Sun
A 15 minute instrumental about the stupidly named gas giant Uranus.

The album was a huge success, it was released in november 1966 and was number one for one week, this was misleading though it sold 158 billion copies on it's first day of release and nothing after that, ever. Siegfried Lectern named the band The Jimi Hendrix Experience,after his favourite amusement park, and at gunpoint he forced them into a world tour. The tour was a great success, and Lectern promised them that he'd release them after they recorded the follow-up album Axis:Bold As Love. He thought of the name of the album whilst fondling his gorgeous tits.

They made their way to the floating studio, but only managed to record one note of the album, The Kaiser doing a long wet fart into the microphone. The fart was heard by RAF listening devices, and was targeted by SAM missiles, within 20 seconds of letting go of his wet fart the studio was obliterated, killing everyone on board. The studio was targeted because of an obscure local by-law in which in AD 920 King Athelstan of England imagined people doing long wet farts in a floating recording studio, this made him fly into a rage and immiediately passed a law forbidding anyone doing any such thing.

Mary Mungo & Midge

2006-11-04T19:04:00.000Z

Mary Mungo & Midge lived in a high rise block on the 8th floor.

Mary was into petty vandalism and shooting at passers by with her air rifle.She was heavily into German imperialism up to 1918, and frequently flicked her bean over Bismarck, Hindenburg and Ludendorff.

Mungo is a dog, he couldn't understand why he was sentient. Was it punishment for something he'd done in a past life? and if it was, why wasn't he aware that he was being punished, as it would surely be more effective if he knew what he was being punished for. He quite enjoyed being a dog as he got to lick his own arse and hump the cushions on the sofa.

Midge is a mouse who is also sentient,he used to earn good money working at gay clubs doing the tube-arse thing, but quit after being traumatised when a customer let off a big fart and shot him out of the other end of the tube and twatted the wall. He sucessfully sued his employers for 5 million quid and bought an eighth floor flat in which he keeps Mary and her family & the dog prisoner.

Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral

2006-09-27T20:19:00.000+01:00

War and Death

2006-09-12T19:09:00.000+01:00

The Tudor Age

2006-05-16T18:47:00.000+01:00

The sixteenth century was a tumultuous time in England, The Three Hundred Year War had ended in 1503 which resulted in the accession to the throne of the first communist monarch that England had ever had, King Guevara The 1st. His first act as king was to make the following statement in The House Of Lords: “There will be the abolition of private ownership, nationalization of projects and establishments and the placing of the wealth of the whole nation in the hands of the government which will be directed by the proletariat from outside if they are not represented from within. In this context, Engels states that the proletariat take over political power and transfer the means of social production to public ownership in an attempt to escape control by the bourgeoisie. By such action, they eliminate devices such as capital and allow devices of a social character the freedom to gain round. Social production is to be reorganized according to a set plan and the development of production makes the existence of classes a matter of the past. It removes the general authority of the state and chaotic social production. The people finally control mutual cooperation and become the masters of nature and of themselves that is, they become free.” This was to be a time of great hope for the people of England, who had known such deprivations during the three hundred year war, and during the thousand year war, which ended a couple of days before the three hundred year war started. King Guevara left the chamber of The House Of Lords with his ears ringing from the applause and cheers he received for his speech. Upon making his way back to his chambers he noticed a patch of mould on the wall, this made him angry as he was a stickler for health & hygiene, so he decided to slowly lick off the mould until it was clean. He managed to get a nice shine on the wall by rubbing his lips up and down on the affected patch. He stood back to admire his handiwork, then collapsed and died from wall poisoning. His stint as king had lasted two days, and plunged the country into despair

King Guevara The 1st (1503)

Succession between monarchs in them days was decided by whoever was the eldest son of whoever was king or queen, in the event of no son then it was the eldest daughter, and in the case of no offspring whatsoever it then fell to the eldest pet.

Earlier In 1503 Che Guevara gave birth to his one and only son, Ricardo Montalban, who was 61 at birth. It defied all known logic & science for a man to give birth to a 61 year old man, but the people of the land put aside any feelings of outright disgust and revulsion at such an unnatural birth , as the country had an heir to the throne.

Ricardo Montalban, or King Montalban VIII as he would become known was a staunch opponent of communism, at his coronation he renounced everything to do with his father & declared England to be an absolute monarchy.

In 1509 after 6 years of trying to have a spontaneous man-birth like his father, he gave up and married the famous childrens TV presenter Susan Stranks. She became known as Queen Stranks IV. Over the next ten years they had three children, Mary and Elizabeth and Peter Wyngarde. Mary and Elizabeth were born as normal babies, Peter Wyngarde was born a 38 year old man. “Don’t fuck with that twat, he’s got a meccy muzzy!” Said The Archbishop Of Canterbury, looking at his Zapata moustache. Peter Wyngardes’ glare made him spontaneously combust.

In 1525 King Montalban & Queen Stranks went on a state visit to New Zealand, it was a great success, they filmed a porn movie starring themselves and the king & queen of New Zealand, the movie was called ‘The King & Queen Are Reigning‘, about water sports & golden showers. Unfortunately on their flight home, their aircraft crashed into the sea killing them both.

King Montalban The 8th (1503-1525)

Peter Wyngarde was a minimalist, he preferred people to wear very little clothing. This was a revelation in the sixteenth century, as people had very strict religious upbringings. Merely thinking about an ungloved hand could bring about a sentence of 5 years hard labour. Thinking about a bare arse was the death penalty for the thinker. Women weren’t allowed to touch their threepenny bits, and were only allowed to think of them with a bra on.

Upon hearing of the death of the king and queen, Peter Wyngarde, or King Wyngarde II as he was now known, ripped off all his clothes and spermed into the hair of all the servants. As king he was determined to leave his legacy to the nation, so he became the first person ever to make a movie that was a sequel that didn’t have a movie that preceded it. It was called Scooby Doo 2-Monsters Unleashed. He played the part of Velma.

Unfortunately the movie wasn’t a success, there were no cinemas in England in the 1520’s. The movie cost £15,000,000 to make, which ended up bankrupting the country. He had become popular as king with his liberal reforms regarding public nudity and polygamy, but the public never forgave him for the tax hike over the cost of the movie Scooby Doo 2-Monsters Unleashed. So on September the 15th 1537 he was arrested on the charge of unseemly facial expressions during ejaculation. The trial lasted for three weeks, he almost got away with it, the prosecution couldn’t produce a single witness who’d slept with him or caught him wanking. Then just as the judge was going to throw the case out, Wyngarde spontaneously ejaculated, pulling the most disgusting, contorted face imaginable. He was found guilty of grand sperm auto and sentenced to death.

He was executed a week after the trial, the first English monarch to be beheaded. His request to be beheaded with his head facing upwards was denied, he also offered the executioner, Jenny Agutter, his plastic bed sheets if she only cut off his leg. She refused. His final words were reputed to be: “Piss off then you shower of cock-eyed twats.”

King Wyngarde The 2nd (1525-1537)

The execution of Wyngarde meant that the succession to the throne now fell to the elder sister, Mary Tudor, who became Englands first ever female monarch.

A constitutional crisis immediately ensued as she declared that she wanted to be known as King Marty as she felt that she was “ A man trapped in the body of a woman.” “King Marty” had a fearsome temper, and anyone who dared to refer to her as Mary, or say that her imaginary penis was enormous, was executed for treason.

She had her sister Elizabeth imprisoned for constantly taking the piss out of her. She became obsessed about denying Elizabeth the right of succession to the throne because she kept referring to her oestrogen levels. She became obsessed about fathering a child, women from all over the land were brought to the royal palace, but she couldn’t get any of them pregnant. She gave up in the end, and decided to buy a pet, she bought a fearsome rottweiler as it would carry on her tradition of rule of fear after her death, and everyone in the royal palace was shit-scared of it. She named it Arsebiscuits.

In 1548 she fell ill after licking Arsebiscuits’ anus, as the dog had a heavy cold and didn’t have the energy to do it himself. It soon became apparent that she wasn’t going to survive, she’d caught a lethal dose of dog arse-tongue contact. She was happy upon her deathbed with the knowledge that her sister would never sit upon the throne, as Arsebiscuits was 1st in line.

In Marys final moments, Arsebiscuits renounced the throne, declaring that he’d fallen in love with the pillow on her bed and couldn’t stop humping it. Her final words were “ I thought it was Alberto VO5 conditioner.”

Mary Tudor (1537-1548)

Upon hearing the news of her sisters demise, Elizabeth declared that she was the true first ever queen of England, because her sister had more testosterone than a dog on heat overdosed on Viagra. She then went off to flick her bean.

The Elizabethan era is generally regarded as a golden age in English history, in warfare The Spanish Armada was blown out of the water by wave upon wave of English stealth bombers, and The Queen personally supervised the “Star Wars” defensive missile shield. This proved its worth in 1555 when The French started launching intercontinental boulders from over The English Channel from their new super catapults. The laser-guided satellites blew them up seconds after they were launched. Domestically, the country never had it better, male grooming had become law, famine, pestilence and bad weather were all declared illegal, and new licensing laws for drinking alcohol were introduced, which brought about 24 hour drinking-meaning it was illegal not to drink 24 hours a day. Sir Francis Drake discovered the new world, he named the planet Marsquake 2000 after a movie he was planning to make. He was actually credited for discovering Australia, but in truth, this wasn’t the case, there were amphibians there who had beaten him to it. The wallabies and kangaroos that he’d brought along on the trip wiped them all out, so he thought it wouldn’t matter if he took all the credit.

By 1603 Elizabeth was an old woman, she had presided over the greatest era the country had ever known, but she had lost the will to live-she hadn’t been able to masturbate in 10 years. She died on march 5th 1603, but in a final act of defiance hours before her death, she declared war on Scotland, Russia, Hungary and Brazil. In a speech to The Houses of Parliament she said “I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the hair of a psycho bitch that you’d see down the dole.” She then took a suicide pill and dropped dead.

Elizabeth the 1st (1548-1603)

John Wayne is big leggy

2006-05-12T15:58:00.000+01:00

Take Me Away.............

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Classic Albums-Deep Purple In Rock

2006-01-14T20:01:00.000Z

Few can doubt Deep Purples' contribution to the history of rock music, they underwent many transformations & line-up changes, but the line-up most fondly revered is of course the mark 2 line-up. For any amoebas out there who need reminding of Mk 2 they were of course:

Gail Porter.............................Vocals, harmonica and foghorn

Jenny Agutter........................Lead guitar, air raid siren and klaxon

Kaiser Wilhelm the 2nd.......Keyboards and train whistle

Katy Hill.................................Bass guitar and swannee whistle

Samantha Eggar.................Percussion and police siren

In 1965 a 3-piece band appeared on the scene The Tawny Pipits.Inspired by the WW2 movie Tawny Pipit, Porter Agutter & Eggar went on a tour of The Norfolk marshes making bird noises.They had virtually no money so they had to make all their bird sounds with their mouths. This all changed one day when Gail Porter whilst in the middle of a sixty minute solo from Wood Pigeon Lament , found an old foghorn which had been discarded from an allied submarine from the war. She immiediately sounded the foghorn and all three agreed that it gave the song a more 'edgier feel.' That afternoon they visited all the local farms and the farmers paid them substantial amounts of money to go away.

With the money they made they headed down to London where they hoped they might get a record deal. They were spotted busking outside The Ministry Of Defence by General Herbert Plumer whistling Kentish Plover Blues with foghorn accompaniment.He saw their potential & quit the army, but by the time he came out of the ministry they were signing a record contract on the bonnet of a car, their new manager was Rear Admiral Martin E. Dunbar-Naismith. It's rumoured that Plumer died of a broken heart 3 weeks later, he was hit by a stray bullet in the head as he walked past a shoot-out between the police & a gang of bank robbers. Dunbar-Naismith had big plans for the group, he bought them proper instruments & drafted in keyboard player Elizabeth Montgomery and bass player Yootha Joyce.They recorded their first album Call Of The Carrion Crow in just 7 hours, it sank without trace although they had minor chart success with the one single taken off the album, Red-Backed Shrike Shat On My Washing reached number 87 in The Lithuanian charts.After a whirlwind tour of Lithuania, Afghanistan and Anglesey they released their second album Sedge Warbler Cake. It caused outrage.The album cover depicted a clearly distressed sedge warbler looking on as the band prepare hors d'oeuvres and petit-fours. A dribble of excrement can clearly be seen coming out of the leg of Yootha Joyces' shorts, Elizabeth Montgomery isn't wearing a hat and a hair can clearly be seen in Jenny Agutters' smoked salmon and dill terrine. It was the death of the band, despite the acclaim the album recieved musically, the music press & the record buying public were not prepared to tolerate filthy kitchen practices.Porter, Agutter & Eggar were left at a loose end after Montgomery successfully auditioned for the role of Samantha in "Bewitched" and Yootha Joyce was rushed to hospital for an emergency operation on her shorts.

The 1960's were a funny old decade for Kaiser Wilhelm the 2nd, since he was forced to abdicate as kaiser of Germany in 1918 he'd just drifted from job to job. Whilst working as a farmhand in 1964 he was caught kissing a cow on the lips and was subsequently jailed for 4 years.Whilst in jail Wilhelm struck up a close relationship with talking horse Mr Ed. Mr Ed was serving a two year sentence for smuggling cigarettes into the country, he was president of the prison music club.They discovered that they had much in common, a love for German military marching music and a sexual attraction to creatures of the bovine variety. They entertained their fellow prisoners regularly as the duo Hohenzollern and Eohippus.

They were both released from prison on the same day, and they were greeted by a BBC executive at the prison gates.They were both offered the lead parts in new BBC sitcom The Liver Birds, Mr Ed was given the part of Beryl Hennessey and Wilhelm the part of Sandra Hutchinson.They were sacked after filming the pilot episode as it was apparent that they had no comic talent whatsoever.The pilot show was screened by The BBC and was watched by Porter, Agutter and Eggar, thinking it was a show about wildlife of the feathered variety in the Liverpool area. Rear Admiral Martin E. Dunbar-Naismith arranged meet Hohenzollern and Eohippus at a London hotel and they all agreed that it was a great idea to start a band out of the remnants of The Tawny Pipits.

All five of them met for the first time in the buffalo enclosure at London zoo.They had gathered there to think of a name for the band. It was The kaisers idea to meet there and he could barely contain himself. They bandied many names about for the band, The Smells, Bovine Ejaculation, The Bitterns, The Yellow Wagtail five, The Schlieffen Quintet, A Kraut A Horse And Three Bints, Porterage For You, Eggar On your Face, Down On The Agutter, The Mane Event and The Homogenised Lumpens. Samantha Eggar had approximately 16 pints of Shadwells' Old Misanthrope earlier in the day and she was bursting for a piss. She couldn't wait to go to the toilet so she had a piss in the bushes of the buffalo enclosure.The others could see steam rising out of the bushes, The kaiser pulled branches from the bush and Samantha Eggar was there squatting having a piss. They were all amazed that the colour of her piss was a really dark shade of purple. "That's the name of the band!" shouted Mr Ed "Eggar Piss" he went on, a scuffle broke out and after things had calmed down they eventually settled for Deep Purple as the name of the band. The legend that became known as Deep Purple was born that day.

Six Months later they released their first album & it achieved moderate success, but it did much to redeem Porter, Agutter & Eggar in the eyes of the public, it was named Ultra Hygienic Kitchen Practices and the cover depicted all of them in a kitchen wearing the appropriate overalls, with hats and hairnets on, they were preparing Carpaccio of zucchini with seared scallops with an orange & lime vinaigrette, and Warm spinach and frisee salad with pepper bacon,shallots and almond crusted chevre and it all looked delicious.A far cry from the debacle of Sedge Warbler Cake. They had one top forty single from Ultra hygienic Kitchen Practices, a high tempo number penned by Wilhelm called Sperm Count Negligible, a song about a WW2 dictator with a complex about having one bollock and he takes it out on the world. They got an appearence on Top Of The Pops where they performed Sperm Count Negligible live.Mr Ed was never completely comfortable playing bass guitar, he was left-hoofed and he couldn't hit one string at a time, he could only manage smacking all four strings at the same time.He also couldn't do chords with his other hoof, he could only slide it up & down over all four strings at the same time, standing up on his hind legs also proved to be a major strain. Katy Hill noticed this.She was governor of the prison where The Kaiser and Mr Ed had served their sentences.

The mark one line up were to make one more ill-fated album-Concerto For Group And Orchestra. The year was 1969, flower power was out and hard rock was coming in. Unfortunately for Deep Purple classical music hadn't been "in" for about 120 years, even the hippies detested the album.They only ever performed the album once in it's entirety & that was at The Royal Albert Hall, they were pelted with rocks and bottles. Mr Ed panicked and bolted, he fell off the stage crushing 3 members of the orchestra. He was arrested and charged with death by horseplay, but he was found not guilty at the subsequent trial. He never really recovered from the shock of being pelted with rocks and bottles, so he quit the band and decided to take up a more suitable career as both ends of a pantomime horse.

The Hill family had owned The Laughing Gravy Prison for over 50 years, and they took great pride in the fact there had been no jailbreaks under their tenure.In 1964 Friedrich Nietzsche-Hill and Carl Gustav Jung-Hill, Katy Hills' uncle and aunt respectively and joint governers of the prison both won a substantial amount of money. They decided to blow all the money on a dream around the world cruise on the slowest ship in the world. Katy was lumbered with the running of the prison.She hated the job because it got in the way of her pursuing her dream, being a bass player in a moderately successful band. Throughout 1968 and 1969 the prison had been in an almost constant state of rioting due to the apalling treatment meted out to the inmates, prisoners had to endure poor quality foreign porn movies with no subtitles, hard toilet paper and they were forced to grow aubergines in the prison allotment.The final straw came in august 1969 when Hill decided that fabric softener was no longer necessary in the laundry. The place erupted, the inmates went on the rampage and wrecked the place. Katy Hill was hit on the head by a flying brick, wrapped around the brick was a note demanding the restoration of fabric softener rights as the prison uniforms really chafed.The note was scrawled on a newspaper, & above the note she saw the headline: "Deep Purple Look For New Bass Guitarist" and below the headline: "Pantomime Horse Runs Amok In Cowshed". "Fuck the lot of yez" she thought and buggered off through the front door, leaving it wide open and causing the biggest jailbreak in history.

Only two people attended the audition, Katy Hill and Yootha Joyce. Joyce played an amazing 15 minute bass solo which greatly impressed the 4 band members. Hill fitted her bass guitar with all bottom E strings tuned exactly the same & strummed them for 75 minutes without touching the frets whilst humming the same note. Hill edged the audition because of concerns over Joyces' hygiene problems.Within days they were back in the studio recording their next album.

In the spring of 1970 they unveiled their new work Predictions For The Future, which recieved good reviews in the music press. The track listing was as follows:

* Marquis Mover In The 2:50 At Kempton Park

* The Internet Will Take Off In The Nineties

* Tottenham 1 v Man City 1 (AET) (Tottenham Win 3-2 in replay) 1981 FA Cup Final

* Tyson Knocked out By Buster Douglas

* They Will Be Called iPods

* No Manned Mission to Mars

They had a number 1 single from the album, Tottenham 1 v Man City 1 (AET) (Tottenham Win 3-2 in replay) 1981 FA Cup Final. It was a heavy rock classic, from the opening riff to the rumbling bass & powerful drumming, manic keyboards and the interplay between Gail Porter on foghorn and jenny Agutter who was switching between air raid siren & klaxon.The album reached the top 10 in The UK and even made the top 100 in The US.They went on a tour of Europe & North America that year and got rave reviews.President Nixon officially pardoned Kaiser Wilhelm for starting WW1.

The pressure was on the band to release a follow up album as good as Predictions For The future.They came up with what is generally considered the greatest album released in the past 500 years, surpassing in the view of many Thomas Tallis' Phlegm On My Whisk and John Dowlands' Lute With One String

Deep Purple In Rock went in straight at number one, the track listing was as follows:

* Deutschland Uber Alles

Penned by the kaiser, the track is a desperate cry for a return to German imperial militarism.

* Panini Sticker Album Regret

An Agutter composition in which she attempts to recreate the tension she felt when she was caught shoplifting.

* Bush Stone Curlew

A return to the days of The Tawny Pipits with much interplay with foghorn, swannee whistle and train whistle.

* Luxuriate With DFS Furniture

A katy Hill Song, there was rumours that she was also CEO of DFS Furniture and she was using her position in the band to advertise DFS furniture.Nothing was ever proven.

* El Burro

A towering drum solo which lasts a staggering 15 hours, Eggar recreates the scene in The Packhorse Cafe in the movie If.... by the power of drums.She thrashes her drumkit to a pulp in a manic 15 hour burst, not even stopping for a piss or a shit,.8 extra discs were needed for this song alone.

* Stig Thoughts In My Mind

Porter wrestles the demons in her head.Poignant moment in song when Eggar comes in with a solo on police siren.

* Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy

A lament from The Kaiser on how ones' love for a cow can turn your brain to sponge.

* Sleep Well With DFS Beds

Another Hill classic

It was their magnum opus, it catapulted them to mega stardom and made them into millionaires.

Just as they were about to embark on a world tour katy Hill left the band citing "irreconcilable musical differences" & she took up a post as CEO of DFS Furniture.Yootha joyce was offered the job of filling in for Hill, but it was impossible as she had recently lost both hands in a freak accident during an eye test.Then in January 1971, three weeks after the release of the album, Kaiser Wilhelm The Second was found dead in his hotel room, his body was riddled with 176 stab wounds. Police verdict: Suicide.

Porter, Agutter & Eggar decided to carry on, they brought in ex-Tawny Pipit Elizabeth Montgomery & rival screen witch Melissa Joan Hart.They made an album, Sperm On My Milky White Buttocks in the summer of 1972. It was obvious that the magic had gone, so the band split up and went their separate ways in the spring of 2001.

Carry On Up The Khyber

2006-01-11T14:57:00.000Z

After WW2 China went through a revolution & the imperial government was overthrown.Mao Tse Tung became the new leader, & under his tenure the country underwent a total transformation. Within 5 years of Maos' leadership every Chinese citizen became a billionaire & china entered a golden age of prosperity, also the government undertook a series of engineering projects & came up with a string of amazing inventions whilst the rest of the world could only look on in open-mouthed awe.

In 1950 The Peking To Sydney Bridge was finally completed, 3 weeks in the planning & 8 months of gruelling hard labour for approximately 250,000 workers, of whom about half suffered from skin abrasions, vertigo & pulled muscles. The land link to Australia didn't last long though, in 1951 it was blown up by Welsh terrorist group The Sons Of Glyndwr who were protesting over US involvement in The State Of Pennysylvania.

In 1955 the government decided to combine the national underground railway system with the national sewer system. Death & disease on the railway network was rife & commuters travelling by rail were subjected to unrivalled discomfort as the all pervading stench of effluent found its way through every corner of the train carriages, thus giving a sense of unparallelled well being & confidence in the government.

In 1963 they dug a tunnel from Shanghai to underneath Fort Knox & robbed all the gold in there.This could well have led to a nuclear war, but The Americans were placated when The Chinese agreed to melt all the gold down and and mould it into a 50 foot statue of The Fonz.

Also in 1963 they invented "intercontinental pants".This allowed the wearer, provided he or she was wielding a gun to shoot anyone in the world. JFK was actually shot from a grassy knoll which was somewhere inside Manchuria.

In 1968 China became the first nation to land a flock of sheep on The moon. The purpose of this was to see whether the sheep could contract scrapies in a lunar environment.All contact with the mission was lost approximately 3 minutes after the sheep had disembarked from the landing module.Theories to why this happened were:

1) The sheep ran away.

2) The sheep died.

The golden age had to finally end & it ended in the shape of a military coup.The coup was led by former Carry-On star Sid James & he was aided & abetted by childrens TV presenter Katy Hill, Railway Children actress Jenny Agutter & Fantasy Island & Dynasty moth Ricardo Montalban.

The aim of the coup was to bring back China to its more traditional values, the ensuing years brought about a crackdown of which the world had never known, gambling was legalised, masturbation at least once a day became law & was rigourously enforced, same sex marriages became compulsory,universal suffrage for all species was granted, existentialism was rigourouly enforced upon the population by the state, and anyone who was not deemed "bohemian Enough" were sent away to work in the sex toy industry.

Mao Tse Tung was finally killed in 1991, in an act of revenge for the assassination of JFK The CIA invented "ballistic underpants" in response to Chinas' intercontinental pants & he was shot by a farmer in Ohio.

Carry On Up Uranus

2005-09-27T21:21:00.000+01:00

I'll never forget the first job I ever had. I was a shoplifter eliminator at my local Co-op, it was a job that I didn't particularly enjoy, but it helped pay for my food addiction. After a few weeks in the job I managed to eliminate about 20 shoplifters,which pleased my supervisor greatly,I got a bonus of 2 litres of sunflower oil with my wages.

One day I was on shoplifter alert when I noticed a shambling old wreck of a woman by the meat counter, I saw her leathery wizened old hand grab a pound of finest back bacon and slip it into her handbag. I immiediately jumped on her and wrestled her into the back office, I was about to shoot her in the forehead when something made me stop, she had me in a sleeper hold. I was then forced to listen to the most amazing story that I've ever heard.

The womans name was Melanie Thrush and amazingly she was 185 years old. She told me how, despite discrimination against women in victorian society, she became the gynaecologist-general and the astronomer-royal.

She spent the majority of her childhood in the workhouse in which she was forced to become a dental nurse. She found this work utterly repellent,and her only pleasure in them days was when she went to bed,there was a glass skylight above her bed in which she could look up at the stars. She was eventually kicked out of the workhouse for making echoey noises in a patients mouth. It was her 24th birthday & she had no job & nowhere to live, but as she walked the dreary streets of London she saw a sight that changed her world. A royal parade passed by & she, in an instant, developed a crush on Queen Victoria. She spent the next few weeks hanging around royal residences trying to meet her, all to no avail. She was also insanely jealous of Prince Albert, so much so that she tried to kill him on 5 seperate occasions. The final attempt came the closest to succeeding, she hired a Serbian hitman who stabbed him in the top of his hat,which fortunately for Albert was a tall hat.

Melanie decided that the only way to get close to The Queen was to get a job on her staff. So she decided to become a gynaecologist. She set up a backstreet clinic in which she could teach herself gynaecology as she went along.

One day, she was in the middle of a tricky penis extension when suddenly her assistant Lime Addict came running in shouting and screaming,waving the newspaper.He showed her the situations vacant column, in which Queen Victoria proclaimed that the household was in need of a gynaecologist,the position was live-in and paid £25 3s & 4d a month. Melanie was ecstatic, she & Lime Addict threw the patient out of the window & quickly set about updating her CV.

She breezed through the interview & got the job, as at that time she was the only gynaecologist in the world.

This proved to be the golden age of Melanies life, Prince Albert had just died & she could do anything she wanted to The Queen when she was under anaesthetic, as she insisted that no-one be present when she gave The Queen her "treatments."

She used her influence on The Queen so she could pursue her next great love, astronomy. Despite the protestations of numerous crusty, doddery old twats The Queen named Melanie as the next astronomer-royal after Ron Moody was sacked after swearing at some kids during the stage play "Into The Labyrinth."

She set about charting the stars from her observatory. When she produced her first work "The Solar System And Beyond" it caused uproar and fury, she discovered a new planet and named it "Uranus", Mars became The Planet "Canestan" she also discovered "The Crab Nebula" and renamed our own galaxy "The Mingey Way" "The Plough" had become "The Venereal Cluster" Also "The Southern Cross" was changed to "Ejaculation-Boost" The sensation known as "The Northern Lights" or "Aurora Borealis" was changed to "Readers Wives"

The final straw for many was when she renamed the planet Venus to "Lesbian Shizzola", but her position was unassailable seeing that The Queen had no "Downstairs problems" since she had employed Melanie. That all ended when she was caught in the act sitting on The Queens face during an examination. She misjudged the amount of anaesthetic to use and The Queen came round early to the view of two hairy-arsed cheeks pointed in her face. Melanie was immiediately arrested and charged with Lesbiano Regina Anaesthetico. At the trial Queen Victoria stated that she couldn't get rid of the smell of shit. Melanie was given 12 years imprisonment & as extra punishment she had to serve her sentence at various zoos across the country.

She was officially pardoned in 1919 after it transpired that under her generalship in The Great War, she achieved the most casualties under her command.

She finally stopped telling me her story, and I began to lose conciousness from the sleeper hold she had me in. I was woken up hours later by my supervisor, the packet of bacon had been stuffed down my trousers and I was sacked for Bacon-Genitalia contact.

It's Not Muraroa At All

2005-09-27T16:35:00.000+01:00

The last thing that I remember from my previous life was chatting amiably with Nels Olsen whilst buying half a pound of Kopp Kopps at Olsens Mercantile,then there was a loud humming outside followed by blinding swirly lights & next thing I was on board an alien spacecraft.My first thought was "At least that's The Ingalls Family out of my hair." I was then led to a metal examination table.

The experiments that the aliens performed on me were very soothing and relaxing,they included:

* Accelerated moustache growth.

* Urine target practice

* Cheek implants

* Advanced eye surgery

* Hide & seek (smell identification version)

They released me after about two weeks, but unfortunately they left me in the late 20th century & I had to change my name from Nellie Olsen as they had turned me into a bloke.

I returned to Walnut Grove but I knew it could never be the same as it was 100 years before, especially since it was the site for testing The A-Bomb in 1945. Nobody told the residents either, they just bombed the twats.All thats left there now is a jar on the site of what was the schoolhouse,inside the jar are the perfectly preserved lips of all the Ingalls family plus the nose of that annoying dog they had,Shadbolt. There is also a 70 foot giant inflatable pint of Oranjeboom there.