The Tudor Age

The sixteenth century was a tumultuous time in England, The Three Hundred Year War had ended in 1503 which resulted in the accession to the throne of the first communist monarch that England had ever had, King Guevara The 1st. His first act as king was to make the following statement in The House Of Lords: “There will be the abolition of private ownership, nationalization of projects and establishments and the placing of the wealth of the whole nation in the hands of the government which will be directed by the proletariat from outside if they are not represented from within. In this context, Engels states that the proletariat take over political power and transfer the means of social production to public ownership in an attempt to escape control by the bourgeoisie. By such action, they eliminate devices such as capital and allow devices of a social character the freedom to gain round. Social production is to be reorganized according to a set plan and the development of production makes the existence of classes a matter of the past. It removes the general authority of the state and chaotic social production. The people finally control mutual cooperation and become the masters of nature and of themselves that is, they become free.” This was to be a time of great hope for the people of England, who had known such deprivations during the three hundred year war, and during the thousand year war, which ended a couple of days before the three hundred year war started. King Guevara left the chamber of The House Of Lords with his ears ringing from the applause and cheers he received for his speech. Upon making his way back to his chambers he noticed a patch of mould on the wall, this made him angry as he was a stickler for health & hygiene, so he decided to slowly lick off the mould until it was clean. He managed to get a nice shine on the wall by rubbing his lips up and down on the affected patch. He stood back to admire his handiwork, then collapsed and died from wall poisoning. His stint as king had lasted two days, and plunged the country into despair

King Guevara The 1st (1503)


Succession between monarchs in them days was decided by whoever was the eldest son of whoever was king or queen, in the event of no son then it was the eldest daughter, and in the case of no offspring whatsoever it then fell to the eldest pet.

Earlier In 1503 Che Guevara gave birth to his one and only son, Ricardo Montalban, who was 61 at birth. It defied all known logic & science for a man to give birth to a 61 year old man, but the people of the land put aside any feelings of outright disgust and revulsion at such an unnatural birth , as the country had an heir to the throne.

Ricardo Montalban, or King Montalban VIII as he would become known was a staunch opponent of communism, at his coronation he renounced everything to do with his father & declared England to be an absolute monarchy.

In 1509 after 6 years of trying to have a spontaneous man-birth like his father, he gave up and married the famous childrens TV presenter Susan Stranks. She became known as Queen Stranks IV. Over the next ten years they had three children, Mary and Elizabeth and Peter Wyngarde. Mary and Elizabeth were born as normal babies, Peter Wyngarde was born a 38 year old man. “Don’t fuck with that twat, he’s got a meccy muzzy!” Said The Archbishop Of Canterbury, looking at his Zapata moustache. Peter Wyngardes’ glare made him spontaneously combust.

In 1525 King Montalban & Queen Stranks went on a state visit to New Zealand, it was a great success, they filmed a porn movie starring themselves and the king & queen of New Zealand, the movie was called ‘The King & Queen Are Reigning‘, about water sports & golden showers. Unfortunately on their flight home, their aircraft crashed into the sea killing them both.

King Montalban The 8th (1503-1525)


Peter Wyngarde was a minimalist, he preferred people to wear very little clothing. This was a revelation in the sixteenth century, as people had very strict religious upbringings. Merely thinking about an ungloved hand could bring about a sentence of 5 years hard labour. Thinking about a bare arse was the death penalty for the thinker. Women weren’t allowed to touch their threepenny bits, and were only allowed to think of them with a bra on.

Upon hearing of the death of the king and queen, Peter Wyngarde, or King Wyngarde II as he was now known, ripped off all his clothes and spermed into the hair of all the servants. As king he was determined to leave his legacy to the nation, so he became the first person ever to make a movie that was a sequel that didn’t have a movie that preceded it. It was called Scooby Doo 2-Monsters Unleashed. He played the part of Velma.


Unfortunately the movie wasn’t a success, there were no cinemas in England in the 1520’s. The movie cost £15,000,000 to make, which ended up bankrupting the country. He had become popular as king with his liberal reforms regarding public nudity and polygamy, but the public never forgave him for the tax hike over the cost of the movie Scooby Doo 2-Monsters Unleashed. So on September the 15th 1537 he was arrested on the charge of unseemly facial expressions during ejaculation. The trial lasted for three weeks, he almost got away with it, the prosecution couldn’t produce a single witness who’d slept with him or caught him wanking. Then just as the judge was going to throw the case out, Wyngarde spontaneously ejaculated, pulling the most disgusting, contorted face imaginable. He was found guilty of grand sperm auto and sentenced to death.

He was executed a week after the trial, the first English monarch to be beheaded. His request to be beheaded with his head facing upwards was denied, he also offered the executioner, Jenny Agutter, his plastic bed sheets if she only cut off his leg. She refused. His final words were reputed to be: “Piss off then you shower of cock-eyed twats.”

King Wyngarde The 2nd (1525-1537)


The execution of Wyngarde meant that the succession to the throne now fell to the elder sister, Mary Tudor, who became Englands first ever female monarch.

A constitutional crisis immediately ensued as she declared that she wanted to be known as King Marty as she felt that she was “ A man trapped in the body of a woman.” “King Marty” had a fearsome temper, and anyone who dared to refer to her as Mary, or say that her imaginary penis was enormous, was executed for treason.

She had her sister Elizabeth imprisoned for constantly taking the piss out of her. She became obsessed about denying Elizabeth the right of succession to the throne because she kept referring to her oestrogen levels. She became obsessed about fathering a child, women from all over the land were brought to the royal palace, but she couldn’t get any of them pregnant. She gave up in the end, and decided to buy a pet, she bought a fearsome rottweiler as it would carry on her tradition of rule of fear after her death, and everyone in the royal palace was shit-scared of it. She named it Arsebiscuits.

In 1548 she fell ill after licking Arsebiscuits’ anus, as the dog had a heavy cold and didn’t have the energy to do it himself. It soon became apparent that she wasn’t going to survive, she’d caught a lethal dose of dog arse-tongue contact. She was happy upon her deathbed with the knowledge that her sister would never sit upon the throne, as Arsebiscuits was 1st in line.

In Marys final moments, Arsebiscuits renounced the throne, declaring that he’d fallen in love with the pillow on her bed and couldn’t stop humping it. Her final words were “ I thought it was Alberto VO5 conditioner.”

Mary Tudor (1537-1548)


Upon hearing the news of her sisters demise, Elizabeth declared that she was the true first ever queen of England, because her sister had more testosterone than a dog on heat overdosed on Viagra. She then went off to flick her bean.

The Elizabethan era is generally regarded as a golden age in English history, in warfare The Spanish Armada was blown out of the water by wave upon wave of English stealth bombers, and The Queen personally supervised the “Star Wars” defensive missile shield. This proved its worth in 1555 when The French started launching intercontinental boulders from over The English Channel from their new super catapults. The laser-guided satellites blew them up seconds after they were launched. Domestically, the country never had it better, male grooming had become law, famine, pestilence and bad weather were all declared illegal, and new licensing laws for drinking alcohol were introduced, which brought about 24 hour drinking-meaning it was illegal not to drink 24 hours a day. Sir Francis Drake discovered the new world, he named the planet Marsquake 2000 after a movie he was planning to make. He was actually credited for discovering Australia, but in truth, this wasn’t the case, there were amphibians there who had beaten him to it. The wallabies and kangaroos that he’d brought along on the trip wiped them all out, so he thought it wouldn’t matter if he took all the credit.

By 1603 Elizabeth was an old woman, she had presided over the greatest era the country had ever known, but she had lost the will to live-she hadn’t been able to masturbate in 10 years. She died on march 5th 1603, but in a final act of defiance hours before her death, she declared war on Scotland, Russia, Hungary and Brazil. In a speech to The Houses of Parliament she said “I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the hair of a psycho bitch that you’d see down the dole.” She then took a suicide pill and dropped dead.

Elizabeth the 1st (1548-1603)