Carry On Up Uranus
I'll never forget the first job I ever had. I was a shoplifter eliminator at my local Co-op, it was a job that I didn't particularly enjoy, but it helped pay for my food addiction. After a few weeks in the job I managed to eliminate about 20 shoplifters,which pleased my supervisor greatly,I got a bonus of 2 litres of sunflower oil with my wages.
One day I was on shoplifter alert when I noticed a shambling old wreck of a woman by the meat counter, I saw her leathery wizened old hand grab a pound of finest back bacon and slip it into her handbag. I immiediately jumped on her and wrestled her into the back office, I was about to shoot her in the forehead when something made me stop, she had me in a sleeper hold. I was then forced to listen to the most amazing story that I've ever heard.
The womans name was Melanie Thrush and amazingly she was 185 years old. She told me how, despite discrimination against women in victorian society, she became the gynaecologist-general and the astronomer-royal.
She spent the majority of her childhood in the workhouse in which she was forced to become a dental nurse. She found this work utterly repellent,and her only pleasure in them days was when she went to bed,there was a glass skylight above her bed in which she could look up at the stars. She was eventually kicked out of the workhouse for making echoey noises in a patients mouth. It was her 24th birthday & she had no job & nowhere to live, but as she walked the dreary streets of London she saw a sight that changed her world. A royal parade passed by & she, in an instant, developed a crush on Queen Victoria. She spent the next few weeks hanging around royal residences trying to meet her, all to no avail. She was also insanely jealous of Prince Albert, so much so that she tried to kill him on 5 seperate occasions. The final attempt came the closest to succeeding, she hired a Serbian hitman who stabbed him in the top of his hat,which fortunately for Albert was a tall hat.
Melanie decided that the only way to get close to The Queen was to get a job on her staff. So she decided to become a gynaecologist. She set up a backstreet clinic in which she could teach herself gynaecology as she went along.
One day, she was in the middle of a tricky penis extension when suddenly her assistant Lime Addict came running in shouting and screaming,waving the newspaper.He showed her the situations vacant column, in which Queen Victoria proclaimed that the household was in need of a gynaecologist,the position was live-in and paid £25 3s & 4d a month. Melanie was ecstatic, she & Lime Addict threw the patient out of the window & quickly set about updating her CV.
She breezed through the interview & got the job, as at that time she was the only gynaecologist in the world.
This proved to be the golden age of Melanies life, Prince Albert had just died & she could do anything she wanted to The Queen when she was under anaesthetic, as she insisted that no-one be present when she gave The Queen her "treatments."
She used her influence on The Queen so she could pursue her next great love, astronomy. Despite the protestations of numerous crusty, doddery old twats The Queen named Melanie as the next astronomer-royal after Ron Moody was sacked after swearing at some kids during the stage play "Into The Labyrinth."
She set about charting the stars from her observatory. When she produced her first work "The Solar System And Beyond" it caused uproar and fury, she discovered a new planet and named it "Uranus", Mars became The Planet "Canestan" she also discovered "The Crab Nebula" and renamed our own galaxy "The Mingey Way" "The Plough" had become "The Venereal Cluster" Also "The Southern Cross" was changed to "Ejaculation-Boost" The sensation known as "The Northern Lights" or "Aurora Borealis" was changed to "Readers Wives"
The final straw for many was when she renamed the planet Venus to "Lesbian Shizzola", but her position was unassailable seeing that The Queen had no "Downstairs problems" since she had employed Melanie. That all ended when she was caught in the act sitting on The Queens face during an examination. She misjudged the amount of anaesthetic to use and The Queen came round early to the view of two hairy-arsed cheeks pointed in her face. Melanie was immiediately arrested and charged with Lesbiano Regina Anaesthetico. At the trial Queen Victoria stated that she couldn't get rid of the smell of shit. Melanie was given 12 years imprisonment & as extra punishment she had to serve her sentence at various zoos across the country.
She was officially pardoned in 1919 after it transpired that under her generalship in The Great War, she achieved the most casualties under her command.
She finally stopped telling me her story, and I began to lose conciousness from the sleeper hold she had me in. I was woken up hours later by my supervisor, the packet of bacon had been stuffed down my trousers and I was sacked for Bacon-Genitalia contact.
One day I was on shoplifter alert when I noticed a shambling old wreck of a woman by the meat counter, I saw her leathery wizened old hand grab a pound of finest back bacon and slip it into her handbag. I immiediately jumped on her and wrestled her into the back office, I was about to shoot her in the forehead when something made me stop, she had me in a sleeper hold. I was then forced to listen to the most amazing story that I've ever heard.
The womans name was Melanie Thrush and amazingly she was 185 years old. She told me how, despite discrimination against women in victorian society, she became the gynaecologist-general and the astronomer-royal.
She spent the majority of her childhood in the workhouse in which she was forced to become a dental nurse. She found this work utterly repellent,and her only pleasure in them days was when she went to bed,there was a glass skylight above her bed in which she could look up at the stars. She was eventually kicked out of the workhouse for making echoey noises in a patients mouth. It was her 24th birthday & she had no job & nowhere to live, but as she walked the dreary streets of London she saw a sight that changed her world. A royal parade passed by & she, in an instant, developed a crush on Queen Victoria. She spent the next few weeks hanging around royal residences trying to meet her, all to no avail. She was also insanely jealous of Prince Albert, so much so that she tried to kill him on 5 seperate occasions. The final attempt came the closest to succeeding, she hired a Serbian hitman who stabbed him in the top of his hat,which fortunately for Albert was a tall hat.
Melanie decided that the only way to get close to The Queen was to get a job on her staff. So she decided to become a gynaecologist. She set up a backstreet clinic in which she could teach herself gynaecology as she went along.
One day, she was in the middle of a tricky penis extension when suddenly her assistant Lime Addict came running in shouting and screaming,waving the newspaper.He showed her the situations vacant column, in which Queen Victoria proclaimed that the household was in need of a gynaecologist,the position was live-in and paid £25 3s & 4d a month. Melanie was ecstatic, she & Lime Addict threw the patient out of the window & quickly set about updating her CV.
She breezed through the interview & got the job, as at that time she was the only gynaecologist in the world.
This proved to be the golden age of Melanies life, Prince Albert had just died & she could do anything she wanted to The Queen when she was under anaesthetic, as she insisted that no-one be present when she gave The Queen her "treatments."
She used her influence on The Queen so she could pursue her next great love, astronomy. Despite the protestations of numerous crusty, doddery old twats The Queen named Melanie as the next astronomer-royal after Ron Moody was sacked after swearing at some kids during the stage play "Into The Labyrinth."
She set about charting the stars from her observatory. When she produced her first work "The Solar System And Beyond" it caused uproar and fury, she discovered a new planet and named it "Uranus", Mars became The Planet "Canestan" she also discovered "The Crab Nebula" and renamed our own galaxy "The Mingey Way" "The Plough" had become "The Venereal Cluster" Also "The Southern Cross" was changed to "Ejaculation-Boost" The sensation known as "The Northern Lights" or "Aurora Borealis" was changed to "Readers Wives"
The final straw for many was when she renamed the planet Venus to "Lesbian Shizzola", but her position was unassailable seeing that The Queen had no "Downstairs problems" since she had employed Melanie. That all ended when she was caught in the act sitting on The Queens face during an examination. She misjudged the amount of anaesthetic to use and The Queen came round early to the view of two hairy-arsed cheeks pointed in her face. Melanie was immiediately arrested and charged with Lesbiano Regina Anaesthetico. At the trial Queen Victoria stated that she couldn't get rid of the smell of shit. Melanie was given 12 years imprisonment & as extra punishment she had to serve her sentence at various zoos across the country.
She was officially pardoned in 1919 after it transpired that under her generalship in The Great War, she achieved the most casualties under her command.
She finally stopped telling me her story, and I began to lose conciousness from the sleeper hold she had me in. I was woken up hours later by my supervisor, the packet of bacon had been stuffed down my trousers and I was sacked for Bacon-Genitalia contact.
posted by balloony at 9:21 pm
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