1965 was known as year zero for rock music, 1967 had the summer of love and 1969 will forever be known as the last year of the sixties, whilst 1970 is etched onto the annals of history as the year of the power drill. 1966 went by unnoticed by many, but for hardcore fans it was known as the year of The Jimi Hendrix Experience.
The Jimi Hendrix Experience, of course were:
Jenny Agutter.....Lead guitar, smellotron, vocals
Gail Porter.....Bass guitar, vocals, large book
Kaiser Wilhelm II....Percussion, vocals, Electric razor
They took the music scene by storm in the summer of '66 with their stunning debut album Are You Experienced. Yet they all had such diverse backgrounds and only by a bizarre twist of fate did they meet and record the album.
The failure of the Verdun offensive in 1916 sent The Kaiser into a spiral of depression, so much so that he left the running of the war to his son, Kronprinz Wilhelm, whilst The Kaiser discovered an appreciation of blues music.
His favourite artists were Muddy Waters and John Lee Hooker, his ambition was to go to America to "get back to his blues roots." His plans all went tits-up in 1917 when Kronprinz Wilhelm ordered unrestricted naval warfare against all shipping in the north Atlantic, which culminated in President Woodrow Wilson declaring war upon Germany. The Kaiser had is bags packed and was ready to sail to America for his dream holiday touring the Mississippi delta and beyond where he had planned to jam with local musicians in places like Cleveland, Memphis and Jackson. He even had become penpals with Blind Lemon Jefferson. He was barred from entering America, which sent him into chronic depression, it was around this time he penned his first song, generally accepted as a truly great blues classic 'My Son Is A Complete And Utter Fuckwit' went in straight at number 1 in the Geman charts upon release. It also fared well in the German colonies it made the top ten in Deutsch-Ostafrika, and number 18 in Deutsch-Südwestafrika.
Things were looking up in early 1918 when The Kaiser managed to persuade Bessie Smith, Big Bill Broonzy, Victoria Spivey and Big Joe Turner all to do a show for German troops on the western front, the shows were well recieved, but unfortunately shortly afterwards Kronprinz Wilhelm launched his spring offensive and all goodwill was lost, especially after Bessie Smith was hit by shrapnel whilst performing in Passchendaele.
It soon became clear that the spring offensive was the last throw of the dice for the German Imperial Army, this became a great source of material for The Kaiser to write blues songs about, his favourites being Wang Dang Doodle, Hohenzollern Blues, Kleiner Roter Hahn, and Whiskey Headed Woman.
The war finally came to a halt in november 1918 and the Kaiser was forced to abdicate his throne, he had to hastily leave Germany leaving his record collection behind. He fled for Holland, the only possessions he took were his harmonica and pickelhaube, luckily Dutch laws on public nudity were pretty liberal even back then. He spent the next 60-odd years of his life living as a virtual recluse at Doorn Castle. He discovered a new passion in his life-hunting, especially for spiders, he had about 15 cats specially bred for hunting them and the castle was adorned with thousands of spiders nailed to the walls as testament to his hunting prowess.
The Porter family emigrated to Kenya in 1947, they were sick and tired of post-war British austerity, so they bought an amusement park called Futureland for 8 million quid. I was situated about 150 miles north-west of the coastal town Mombasa. Futureland was indeed a magical place, it was a full scale creation of what victorian London might've looked from the imagination of the Catuvellauni chieftain Caratacus in the year 40 AD. The builders presumed that Caratacus imagined victorian London exactly as it turned out to be. So Futureland was an exact replica of victorian London in every detail. They even built several hundred thousand robots, dressed them in victorian clothing then placed them in the city after programming them to go about their lives as an average victorian person would. There is only one remaining photograph of Futureland:
The Porters piled hundreds of thousands of pounds of their remaining cash into a massive advertising drive to get people to come to futureland, they printed six million posters and planned to release them by air over all the major cities of the world by air. The poster featured a picture of Caratacus and a snappy advertising slogan underneath.
They chartered six large planes, each containing a million posters each, and on the 5th of november 1949 they all took off simultaneously on their super-wide runway that they'd built especially for the occasion. The planes were heading for London,Nairobi,New York,Berlin,Paris and Nuku'alofa. The entire family all watched in awe as all the planes took off, all in line. Unfortunately they had spent most of their money printing the posters and had only enough aviation fuel for take-off, no sooner had all six planes gotten in the air the engines cut out and crashed in the distance killing all six pilots and all the posters were destroyed. This was the ruin of the Porter family, all the planes had simultaneously crashed into the house, they had no money left and they couldn't afford the upkeep of Futureland. The head of the household, Jean-Luc-Picard Porter decided that the only option for the family was to try to get jobs at the famous Kenyan hotel, The Treetops hotel. Jean-Luc-Picard Porter,his wife Eclectic-Mage Porter and daughter Gail all made their way to the hotel and enquired about the possibility of future employment. Unfortunately there is an obscure Kenyan by-law which expressly forbids families of three all applying for jobs at the same time. Jean-Luc-Picard Porter and Eclectic-Mage Porter were arrested on the spot and jailed for 20 years each. Gail being the youngest, only 12, was let off with a caution and was kicked out of the hotel after being banned for life from The Treetops hotel and all treehouses the world over. This led to a hotel receptionist uttering the now legendary phrase: " She went up a demure Scottish lass, and came down a demented lunatic psycho-bitch"
That evening she met up with Dizzy Gillespie, Lucille Ball and Jaques Tati and formed the armed resistance group known as The Mau Mau. The main aim of The Mau Mau was to repeal Kenyas archaic laws on families of three applying for jobs. They planned to achieve this by killing as many celebrities as possible by kidnapping them, then releasing them into Futureland then hunting them down in "The Mau Mau Celebrity Safari Of Death."
Caratacus' victorian London became a killing ground for many celebrities during the 1950s, they were forced into a skimpy loincloth, smeared with pork fat then given a half hour head start before the hunt began. With about 30 yelping hounds Porter, Gillespie, Ball and Tati would then begin the hunt. Porters favoured method of capture was to ride on a two-wheeled chariot, spear the victim in the leg, then finish them off by sitting on their face until asphyxiated. Gillespie had a specially adapted trumpet which fired poison darts everytime he blew it. Lucille Ball tended to mingle amongst the robots pretending to be a 'slattern' when the unsuspecting celebrity passed her she sprayed an anaesthetic spray in their face, they'd come around, and they'd be told to enact the entire movie 'Ensign Pulver' word perfect or be shot. Jaques Tati travelled around in a horse drawn hansom cab, upon seeing his victim he would alert the robot driver by banging against the ceiling with his cane, he would then jump out and snare his victim by shooting a net from out of the cane. The victim would then be tied to a post and subjected to his mime routine, which always resulted in death for the watcher.
This reign of terror lasted right up until 1965, they'd managed to capture and kill many celebrities including:
Dean Martin
Pat Boone
Charlton Heston
Bo Diddley
Abbott and Costello
Elizabeth Taylor
Jean-Paul Sartre
President Gamal Abdel Nasser of Egypt
Bryan Brown
Joni Mitchell
The only person known to survive Porters celebrity safari of death is Walter Matthau, who of course starred in 'Ensign Pulver'
It was in the spring of 1965 that President Jomo Kenyatta decided to enter into negotiations with The Mau Mau, Porter had captured Friends actors Courteney Cox,Jennifer Aniston, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer, Kenyatta had recieved through the post the severed legs of all six actors and each had a spear through it. Friends was his favourite sitcom and he was devastated. After three months of hard negotiations Gail Porter agreed to disband The Mau Mau and hand over Dizzy Gillespie and Jaques Tati for trial in exchange for the repeal of the family of three jobsearch laws. Porter had to agree to exile from Kenya, and her mother and father had to finish their jail sentences. Lucille Ball was killed tragically a month before negotiations between Porter and Kenyatta ended, she was murdered in Futureland by a robot Jack The Ripper. Gillespie was found guilty at his trial and was sentenced to a prime-time slot on Kenyan national TV. Jaques Tati never spoke a word during his entire trial, and was subsequently found not guilty as kenyan law specifically states that all trials must have the full cooperation of the defendant.
Jenny Agutter had a strange childhood, despite being born in Mongomery, Alabama she had a posh English accent. Despite several trips to psychologists and hypnotherapists nobody could ever get to the bottom of why she spoke like she did. This led to her alienation from the rest of her classmates during her school years. She was regularly pelted with smoked salmon sandwiches, scones, full English breakfast, English policeman helmets and effigies of Isambard Kingdom Brunel by her fellow classmates.
After a while of this, she became a lot more circumscribed and retreated into her own world. She spent hour upon hour in her own bedroom locked in her own world. Then one morning she had a eureka moment, she ran down the stairs of the house and blurted out to her father Blitzkrieg-Marie that she wanted to express herself by the power of smell. As luck would have it Jennys mother Sturmbannführer-Paxo stole a church organ the morning before and was planning to sell it to raise cash for her dream expedition to The Andes to search for the secret of brain memory tea. Jenny begged her mother for it, but Sturmbannführer-Paxo Agutter was a stubborn woman, she wanted to go on her dream expedition and nothing was going to stop her. She told Jenny that if she wanted the organ she would have to pay the asking price, 85,000 dollars. The very next morning Jenny was reading the local paper, The Montgomery Buddhist, when she saw an appeal from The Church Of Historical Battle Re-enactors, who had their church organ stolen and were desparate to get it back, the reward money was 85,000 dollars. Jenny rang the local police and told them that her father had it, the police were at the house within the hour, they retrieved the organ and Jenny recieved the reward money later that day. With the money Jenny paid for Sturmbannführer-Paxo to go on a 2 year brain memory tea discovery tour of South America. Blitzkreig-Marie pleaded guilty to the theft of the organ, despite the fact that he didn't do it, he was forever masturbating over going to prison and this was a dream come true for him, although he had to jump over the witness stand and attack the judge to get his prison sentence as he only got community service for stealing the organ. Jenny was also happy, she now had the house to herself and she stole back the church organ later that week.
She set about converting the organ from one that emits sound to one that emits smells, she travelled all around the county collecting smell samples for the organ. Once the organ was ready she asked her teachers if she could do a recital at the school. After being told to fuck off on numerous occasions, Jennys head teacher finally relented and told her she could do a recital at the end of term dance. All excited, she had hundreds of posters printed, she also named the organ the "smellotron"
The night of the dance was to be the night she finally gets the acceptance she craved from her school colleagues. She wrote a piece especially for the evening, a twenty five minute number called Smells Of Agutter. The piece would express the whole gamut of smells emanating from her, therefore bringing a sense of affinity and understanding from her classmates.
She was nervous on the night of her recital, and it helped matters none when she took to the stage she was pelted with black pudding, morris dancer outfits, the crown jewels and Wimpy burgers. She bravely walked up to announce 'Smells Of Agutter' to howls of laughter and derision, she was hit on the head by a Buckingham Palace in a snowstorm. She sat at her keyboard and cranked up the smellotron, it hissed and clattered as it warmed up. She then tentatively went into 'Smells Of Agutter', the smellotron chugged and panted and wheezed as the pipes emitted Agutter aroma into the audience. First they got a strong whiff of her hair, the chatter and laughing stopped, then they got the smell of her glistening lips, everyone gasped with delight. Then came the bouquet of her underwear after one days wear, which was definitely more fragrant than malodourous, this caused a dangerous surge towards the front of the stage as the students, both male and female, became more and more delirious. Jenny could now tell that she had won the audience, her hair flayed against her sweaty face, her body careened violently from side to side as she pummeled the keyboard. The smellotron gasped and heaved more smells into the atmosphere, sweaty anus, perfumed nipple, legs smeared in butter, breast milk, and pleasant but not overpowering fart. The auditorium was by now awash with tearful screaming adolescents shrieking for Jenny and were removing their underwear and throwing them onstage. Then came the finale of the piece, the smellotron clanked and grinded, then the pipes puffed out the final smell-soiled Agutter panties. It was too much for the watching masses to take, many tried to storm the stage, but were beaten back by baton wielding prefects, in the distance the silent evening hush was broken by the desperate breaking voice screams of adolescent youth.
Jenny had to be escorted from the building, she was ecstatic, she managed to make it to the top hotel in Montgomery, The Desalination Plant View, where she decided to hide out for the night. Her ecstasy didn't last long, there was a knock on her hotel door, it was the police, in an obscure Alabamanian by-law it was illegal to use a smellotron in public, in AD 59 in ancient Britain, Queen Boudicca of The Iceni imagined what a smellotron might be like, and the thought of somebody using one in her dream imaginary US state Alabama greatly offended her, so she declared it illegal to use one, on penalty of five years imprisonment. The trial was a foregone conclusion, despite protests from her army of fans she was sentenced to 5 years inside Helmet Penitentiary.
It was 1966,the place was London, The Kaiser had been chased out of Holland by The Spider rights Front, Gail Porter was getting used to exile from Kenya and Jenny Agutter had just been released from prison, having been parachuted into Britain by the Alabama national guard and told not to come back again.
The three of them all happened to be at the hover bank to draw some money out, unluckily for all three, the bank manager decided to disable the banks hover mode that day to save energy. Just as The Kaiser was approaching the desk the front door crashed open. It was Rear Admiral Sir Siegfried Lectern, and he had a gun. He was insanely jealous of Brian Epstein and he wanted to manage a hugely sucessful band. He singled out Porter, Agutter and The Kaiser and he marched them at gunpoint to his floating recording studio. The studio was located 1000 feet above Hyde Park and was kept afloat by the four jet packs attached to each wall. Once inside the studio The Admiral ordered them to make the greatest album of all time-or be shot.
Despite never having met each other they managed to record what is generally regarded as the greatest album of all time. The track listing is as follows:
* The Austro-Hungarians Were Shite
A blues number penned by The Kaiser lamenting the lack of a decent ally in WW1
* Flowers Of Kenya
An obituary for all the celebrities killed by The Mau Mau. During the instrumenal passage Porter slams her large book shut six times, with the low hum of The Kaisers razor in the background.
* Smells Of Alabama
An uptempo number where Agutter releases smells into the studio while Porter slams shut the large book and the low hum of the razor is in the background.
* Plastic Sheets
The trauma of bedwetting portrayed on the smellotron.The Kaiser & Porter quietly sing 'ssssssssssssssss.......' as a backing vocal.
* Dream Holiday Fuck Up
The razor is set on high for this one as The Kaiser imagines giving his son a shit haircut.
* Cheeks Of Gillespie
An erotic fantasy by Porter, who had a thing for Dizzy Gillespies arse.
* Seventh Orb From The Sun
A 15 minute instrumental about the stupidly named gas giant Uranus.
The album was a huge success, it was released in november 1966 and was number one for one week, this was misleading though it sold 158 billion copies on it's first day of release and nothing after that, ever. Siegfried Lectern named the band The Jimi Hendrix Experience,after his favourite amusement park, and at gunpoint he forced them into a world tour. The tour was a great success, and Lectern promised them that he'd release them after they recorded the follow-up album Axis:Bold As Love. He thought of the name of the album whilst fondling his gorgeous tits.
They made their way to the floating studio, but only managed to record one note of the album, The Kaiser doing a long wet fart into the microphone. The fart was heard by RAF listening devices, and was targeted by SAM missiles, within 20 seconds of letting go of his wet fart the studio was obliterated, killing everyone on board. The studio was targeted because of an obscure local by-law in which in AD 920 King Athelstan of England imagined people doing long wet farts in a floating recording studio, this made him fly into a rage and immiediately passed a law forbidding anyone doing any such thing.
